Hole

Napsal Jenah (») v sobotu 18. 5. v kategorii English, přečteno: 151×
Zaujalo mě : eetgo.cz = eet zdarma a online

I am carrying a huge hole within me
with every step, with every breath
Wherever I go, I can feel the edge of it

When I touch my chest, I can taste it
the rough edges, some sharp like knifes
and empty nothing inside

And I tried to repear it
I gave it love, laughter, tears or hatred
but this hole keeps growing no matter what I do.

 

I am thinking about stuff. 

I am thinking about what I want. And more I think about it, more I feel like I have to change everything. Everything about me, around me and inside of me. I have this huge feeling inside growing last few weeks and it is scary to listen to it, because when I do, I feel brave and fearless. But also a little bit lost. I can feel it in my chest... feels a bit like a pain or pressure or like my heart is racing againts time. But when I do feel it, it's usually when I am painting or listening to some good songs or when I am reading about things I wish I could have in the future. 

Funny how things started... I remember it so well. I was watching How I met Your Mother last spring and I was going through all the episodes. And whenever I saw Lily painting, I was thinking - I remember when I used to do watercolors like a child. And one day, it was few days after my sister told me that she is pregnant. And I was like - you know what, let me check how much it costs... and then I found out that it's actually cheap and bought it.. and since then I am much calmer, much more myself.. and I cant even explain why.

There is something about art, what brings me therapy.

Second thing is, that I was probably blind my whole life. I was listening to my dad, who told me that I have no specific talent. That he has no idea what I would be good at in the future. And I felt the same. But now I have to laugh at it, because art in every form was always there. It was always part of me and I always felt the need to express myself and to create. And when I say that I just realized it now, it is true.. but it feels like I knew it before, but never actually saw it. 

I need art. I need music, dance, painting, scupturing, writing, singing... art in any form is what my life is all about.

and I just know what I want to do now... and I feel stuck, because I know what I want to do just have no idea how to get there. 

And that sucks.

 

that is my big hole

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