Destiny

Napsal Jenah (») ve středu 14. 8. v kategorii English, přečteno: 21×
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I gotta put it out here. 

Last few weeks I was genuinly happy. There was no cloud big enough to break my bubble. And if I was a little bit down and overthinking, it was because of my hormones or not enought sleep and rest. And that is something what unfortunately affects me a lot. BUt other than that, I was happy. There was nothing special happening... But I was. 

It's so weird to even write about it. Me being happy.... that is like from another world. DOesnt really happen to me that often. And now I dont wanna sound like a terrible person or constantly depressed person, but the truth is that there was only few moments when I was really happy with my whole heart. Moving to UK was one of the best and biggest moments. ANd I still love this place and want to stay here forever. SOmetimes I have a moment when I walk home at night and it just hits me / the fact that I am here, where I always wanted to be. Or I remember when my nephew was born, that was happiness as well. SO there are few moments still lasting until this day, which makes me happy. But this time, this happiness was something else. It was freedom from over thinking and over analyzing, it was freedom to be who you are and be liked for that.... it might sound totally crazy, but I felt like I was finally understood. Everything I did and I thought I did wrong, Ive been told that its nothing bad.... I was really really happy.

So it's very sad that it's gone now. 

This week was the worst week of my life at the moment. Not because Im dealing with huge amount of pain or stress or guilt... It is because I did nothing wrong and still somehow I was the reason to destroy someone else's life.  So.. actually yeah... I do deal with huge amount of pain, guilt, stress and sadness. 

There is one person, a person who believes in lie and makes my life miserable. I know for fact that he is the reason why I feel this way.I cannot be happy. I have to be miserable, because that is when he can come and save me. Where I can be manipulated with and used and taken.... but God damn, it was enough already! If it's ruining my day, then fine, ok. I can handle that. BUt if it's ruining someone else's life for nothing? FOr some assumption or just jealousy? OH c'mon, just grow the fuck up. I might be wrong here and everything has a simple reason, but I can't see the reason. Over the last few days I have been told to be carefull, to ask personal questions and I was warned that that person isn't really who I think they are... why? Who did we speak about? Did he say it just because he wanted to freak me out and destroy it on my own and when it didn't work, he just took things in his own hands? And to be totally fair, he had no idea who I am talking about or who makes me so happy... 

I am just so angry and lost and totally down.... because he is winning. He is ruining everything for me. 

But I swear to God and Goddesss and to you, my readers, that after this week I wont let anything else happen in my life. I wont let people bullying me, manipulating with me and play games with me or hurt me. I will change what needs to be change and I will get rid of this cancer in my mind...

...

...

... and hopefully Im gonna save him from this.

Because I am the fault... maybe not because my personality... but because I have a demon on my back.

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